Advance Copy Of Obama’s School Year Kick-Off Speech
(To be videotaped in Smug-O-Vision)

Hello.

I’m President Barack Obama and I’m very grateful for this opportunity to speak to the people I feel are most important to the future of America, and to you students too. Many thanks to the National Education Association and the American Federation of Teachers for letting me into your “homes” so I can talk to your children.

I remember being a young , confused school boy, wishing that President Nixon or President Ford would give me some guidance as to what I should think or do during the school year. But they never did. Why? The answer, as any good teacher will tell you, is simple.

Republicans hate children.

It’s true. When scientists at the UN aren’t busy coming to consensus about Global Cooling/Warming/Whatever-Works-This-Week they’ve proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that people who vote Republican just don’t like you.

As you embark on another year of learning I urge you all to focus on the important things, like whether or not mommy and daddy are driving hybrid vehicles. Or putting those squiggly little light bulbs in all the lamps in your house. People who don’t do these things hate Earth.

Just like the Republicans do.

Let me talk for a moment about personal responsibility. As president, I have to take responsibility for many of the tough choices I make, especially ones that are made because George W. Bush screwed everything up. You may face similar choices this year in school. I want you to take ownership of your decisions even if they’re made more difficult by the fact that President Bush hated education. We can’t keep blaming the past.

But we can persevere and keep trying to.

The first time you have a big test the next day I want you to imagine this:

“What if I got the H1N1 virus tonight and infected my whole class? And what if we all died because none of us had adequate health care? All of my work studying for this test would have been wasted!”

I don’t want to scare you but there are many things that could turn all your study time into a big waste because you didn’t notice the bus that was about to hit you while you were disoriented from having the flu and you couldn’t get treated because Republicans won’t let me pass health care reform.

As most of you know, Sen. Ted Kennedy recently passed away. And as you heard his grandson say in front of God and everyone, health care reform was the defining issue of his life. The Catholic Church wouldn’t have allowed him to say that during mass if it wasn’t so important. Sen. Kennedy had a fondness for younger people, too. Early in his career, he worked at bridging the gap between himself and young, female campaign staffers. Let’s not let his legacy drown in negativity.

My staff and I don’t want you to struggle with knowing what’s right like we had to as students. That’s why we have supplied some lesson plans to your teachers to help all of you. When was the last time a Republican cared that much about you?

One of the first questions in the lesson plan involves why it’s important to listen to your elected officials. I know that many of you still listen to your parents and that’s perfectly all right. But you need to realize something. Your parents are working very hard, many of them at two jobs so they can pay for the brutal choices I’m making now because George W. Bush just plain sucked. It is difficult for them to know a lot of stuff because they work so hard. Politicians don’t have to work as hard so we have more time to know stuff. It really is that simple.

So ask your parents questions that they can answer easily when they are exhausted. Things like, “Where’s the can opener?” or “Why did President Bush make things so hard for President Obama?”

For the tougher questions in life, ask your teachers and listen to your elected officials. Remember though, some elected officials can’t be trusted so you should always check with your teachers first about which ones can.

I want all of you to begin each school year believing that your education could make you President of the United States one day. Like school, it’s got it’s rough spots but has a lot of great things about it. Like being able to order a hamburger and fries any time of day or night. Or looking at Michelle bend over in the garden in her special “First Lady shorts”. Sorry, that’s probably just the scotch talking now. I shoot about a hundred of these videos a week for various “grassroots” organizations and it gets a little tedious.

One of the last things your teachers are going to ask you to think about is what you can do to help me, President Barack Obama.

We have covered the most important things already, so let’s recap them.

Listen to me.

If I am not available, listen to the elected officials your teachers tell you are cool.

Don’t bother your poor parents with questions about the important things in life. They’re very tired.

And remember the two most important words any American can say whenever faced with tough times and criticism:

“Bush’s fault!”

Good luck this year. I’ll see you all in December for my “What To Think On Your Non-Denominational Break When Your Parents Might Tell You Something” speech.

And thank you teachers for, well, you know.